A quick note to the medical community

When you use words like "small," "tiny," "little," in regards to a needle, we don't believe you and for good reason.

When you use the same words in regards to an electric shock, we don't believe you, for good reason.

You need to learn new adjectives, because lying to us is simply stupid. While we may not have spent 15 years getting our degrees like you have, you need not treat us like we are unable to understand basic vocabulary. We do in fact understand words and can distinguish the difference between shapes and sizes.

I underwent Chinese torture today. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm not being rude. The doctor was from China, he tortured me.

He hooked metal electrodes to my skin and then he sent electric shocks through my body. Sharp, horrible, painful shocks. He had this little black device with two metal prongs on it, one red, one black, it looked very much like a one of those stun devices you see the cops use. He then squirted some jelly on the ends, stuck the prongs on my arm, and started shocking the crap out of me, so that my arm jumped around like a fish. After each shock, he'd register my reaction in the computer and then shock me some more...if my arm didn't respond like he wanted, he'd kick it up and shock me again, several times, turning it up, until my arm finally jumped.

It was all sorts of fun. I recommend it if you are looking for summer activities with the kids.

Then, after that, he said "and now I will put a tiny needle in your muscle."

Excuse me?

"No problem, a very tiny needle."

And it is here that I would like to take another moment to once again point out to the medical community that unless I am sitting there with a seeing-eye dog, I'm not really sure how it is that you think that telling me "no problem, a tiny needle" is going to be productive when only seconds later you pull out the actual spike you will be using.

Do you think I will somehow convince myself that because the "DOCTOR said it's tiny, it must be tiny. My eyes must be deceiving me...? Do you think your medical degree gives you magic powers? I can see! I can decipher shape and size in the dimension of space. So let's all just call a spade a spade, shall we? Thank you.


Anyway, so began the really fun part. He reached in to his magic cupboard of pain and torture and pulled out a large 3" long needle connected to a plastic handle out of which extended a wire--imagine an electronic meat thermometer, with the needle and the wire that you hang outside the oven door, that plugs into the little digital readout? That's about what we're talking about here, only this needle wasn't quite as big in diameter, but about the same length.

The wire he plugged into his computer; the needle was going into me. He then grabbed my arm and told me to flex, once I flexed my arm, he said "okay, here comes needle."

And then plunged the large needle down through the skin, through the muscle into my shoulder. I stared at the ceiling and thought happy thoughts, so to prevent myself from allowing the scream that was building inside to escape. He grabbed my hand, asked me to flex some more, and then he pushed the needle in further, until the plastic handle was all that remained. Then he twisted it a few times, and pulled it out.

This went on for about 30 minutes. Grabbing various parts of my arm and shoving the needle in to it, me flexing, shoving it further in, then twisting it, and removing it again.

My favorite part? When he grabbed my hand and told me to open my hand and extend all my fingers (as if I were going to palm a basketball.) Then he pushed on the very soft tender muscle between my thumb and pointer finger, looked at me and said, "okay, here comes needle, this is going to hurt!"

And let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, it hurt. It hurt like fire. Fire pouring into my hand, shooting down my fingers and licking up my arm. He pushed harder, turned the needle a bit and then wiggled it a bit for good measure.

I just sat still, staring at the ceiling, congratulating myself for not crying, wincing or screaming.

I also didn't give away any state secrets or launch codes, not that I know any, but it seemed to me like this would be a very effective method to extract said information from a person.

When all was done, I had a great many number of spots bleeding on my arm. He commented "do you take blood thinners?"

"No"

"Well you are really bleeding a lot."

Hmm...could that be because you just stabbed me several times!?!?!?!?!?

Anyway, I do have nerve damage. (I could have told you that WITHOUT THE NEEDLE, but whatever.)

But, he feels that it isn't significant enough for surgery and that I should continue with physical therapy in hopes that eventually it will heal on its own.

Thank you. That was wonderful. I feel better already. Your check is in the mail.