I miss my mom. As most of you know, she died of cancer on my 26th birthday...almost two years ago. As I'm approaching the finish line of my pregnancy, I find myself full of questions that only she can answer, but she's not here. I don't know who to be more frustrated with, her or God.
I have been dreaming about her a lot lately, but the dreams are really, really weird. Two nights ago, I dreamt that she and Bryan stood at a white board in one of my college classrooms and made lists of potential baby names, and then argued over the results. I would try to explain why we liked the names we liked, and she would roll her eyes in that funny way my mom used to do and make some crack comment about why that name was ridiculous.
I wake up (from the hour of sleep I ever get at one time) and feel stressed and guilty about decisions or actions I've taken as a parent...even though I haven't even given birth yet. And this whole baby-naming thing is really throwing me for a loop. I keep thinking, "what would my mom think of this name?" And I know that the ones that we agree on are all names she would hate. Why do I care? How unhealthy is it that I'm stressing out about what my dead mother would think about decisions I'm making?
I have a million questions about giving birth, what her labor was like, how I was as a baby etc., and she isn't here to answer them. I've done extensive reading and have asked many other friends and family members about random baby topics, but it's just not the same. She always had a way of making things funny, and putting me at ease when I was stressed out. How I would like for her to be there when I go to the doctor, to crack a joke, to ask questions I forget to ask, and to keep me laughing when the pain starts up. I feel like if only my mom were here, I would somehow feel a little better about what's about to happen. And that's where I am today.
Like a waterfall in slow motion, Part One
3 years ago
2 comments:
I'm sorry that you're missing your mom, I wish there were something I could do to make you feel better. The only thing I can say is that when we were picking out baby names EVERYONE had an opinion, most of the time about how horrible that particular name was. We finally stopped telling people potential name choices and even though Maddox wasn't a very popular choice according to "people", we still love it, and it suits him. (I was worried that 6 months after he was born I'd suddenly hate it and wish that I'd named him something else)I only knew your Mom a short time but she loved you so much and was really proud of you. I think she would just be tickled pink to have another grandchild and would be happy with whatever you and Bryan decide.
I can't even imagine how hard it is to not have your mom there with you--especially right now--but I agree with Kyra: Mama G loved you more than absolutely anything and I'm certain that she will just be thrilled that you have been blessed by a little girl, no matter what her name is.
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