Please don't be offended...I'm just cranky

Ok, it has started...the constant "just calling to check on your progress..." phone calls. My particular favorite are the ones that start out with the statement (sometimes dripping with judgement,) "well we haven't heard anything from you, so we thought we'd call to make sure everything is okay."
Yes, everything is okay- that is why you haven't heard anything. There is nothing to be heard. When we have something to say, we'll say it. We usually don't call you every day to tell you that we have nothing to talk about, what makes this day any different?
Now before you start leaving comments on my blog telling me that "people mean well," and I "need" to understand that folks are just excited, let me say, I get it. I'm all over it...people are excited, people want the baby to be here. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful group of friends and family who are so supportive and loving. This girl is never going to starve for love and affection, and for this, I am grateful.
But, you see, I'm cranky, really cranky, and I'm not afraid to admit it. I've been on bedrest since January, I've been in pre-tem labor with no result for the past two months. I have an IV sticking out of my arm, where it has been sticking out of my arm for the past 5 months. I am still so nauseous that I choke on my stomach contents all the live-long day. If anyone wants the baby to be born, it's me.
So when you call, please don't start the conversation by lecturing me on how I haven't called you. I will call you when there is something to call about. You won't be forgotten. We aren't going to wait until we send out the birth announcements to remember that, "oh crap, we never told anyone the baby was born...oh well, they'll find out soon enough!"
I am not against people calling. I'm bored out of my mind- if you are just up for a chat, feel free. But if the only reason you're calling is to check and see if I magically went into labor, gave birth and forgot to tell you in the past 12 hours, please know that there is a chance that I may unhinge my jaw, reach through the phone and bite off your head. I am not normally such an angry and violent person, but I'm fat, and hot and uncomfortable. And my hormones are raging; I cannot be held accountable for my actions.