So I guess I've officially entered motherhood. My milk arrived Friday morning, and Friday afternoon, my mind took its leave. I had heard about the "baby blues," I had read about post-partum depression when I was waiting for the arrival of my little girl. I watched Brooke Shields talk to Oprah about her troubles, and read excerpts from her book. I told Bryan, "if you see me getting dark, don't be afraid to say something in fear of offending me (which you probably will) I don't want to be one of those women who drive my car into the lake."
I have no intention or interest in lake driving, but I think I might be just a little bit crazy.
I experience flashes of horrible images as I make my way through the day. For example, on Friday when we were driving, searching for a cafe in which to eat lunch, I made Bryan keep driving past a particular location because there was no parking available on the cafe side of the street. As I imagined us carrying Evie across the street, I was suddenly gripped with fear, worried that we would be hit by a car, the only fatality being our baby. Thankfully, he assuaged my anguish by finding another restaurant- one with a parking lot.
I've also freaked out a few times at night, when she's slept a little longer than expected, certain she's stopped breathing while I was asleep.
I don't want to carry her down the stairs (I'm not allowed to yet anyway, what with the C-section and all,) but the thought scares me, as I'm sure I'll trip and drop her little body.
Now, I know intellectually that the possibility of anything happening is very low, and rationally, I am not that worried. 23.5 hours of the day, I;m perfectly fine. But every once in a while, I get a weird thought or fear, and with the raging hormones, it's enough to make me freak out just a little bit.
Friday night, the tears came, for no particular reason. I was sitting there, feeding Evie, watching Monster's Inc. on T.V., when I was gripped with overwhelming sadness. I looked at Evie and I just started sobbing. Bryan came in to find me blubbering like an idiot. He rubbed my back and told me it's okay to cry, even if I don't know why I'm doing it.
Friday was not an isolated incident. I have about 2 or three good cries a day currently. This is more than I've cried in the past 5 years, but what can I do?
I've talked to other moms, who laugh and tell me this is perfectly normal. "Welcome to motherhood," they tell me.
If I'm this bad now, how will I be when she's 16 and driving away from me? Ugh. I now know why moms always talk about how they wish they had a "pause" button. She's only a week old and already I'm sad about how big she is.
To add to the drama, today is my mom's birthday, so I'm even more emotional than I was yesterday. So if you call and hear me weeping, don't be alarmed...I'm just a new mommy.
Like a waterfall in slow motion, Part One
3 years ago
1 comment:
I've never gone through this, but it doesn't sound so much like baby blues as normal funky post-pregnancy hormone changes. Shoot, I do that crying thing at least once in the week before my period (my hormones are funky, among other things, hence no babies yet.) You have a peach of a husband - he's there, not trying to fix it, just present and there for you.
Of course, if you are afraid that you might do something to the baby or yourself, have constant anxiety, or a black cloud follows you around, do get some help. Tell your Dr. about it all, regardless - they know when to be concerned and how to reassure you. You are doing fine.
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