Small wonders

I went to the doctor and am being referred to a specialist for my "issues." In the meantime, I was told to go off the meds. to prevent further issues.

After my appointment, Evie and I went to the grocery store. We have been living out of the ridiculously stocked pantry for a while and finally got to the point that we actually needed food again. The trouble for me however is with my wheat allergy as well as my fruit allergy, I can't just eat a bowl of cereal, or grab an apple, or some crackers or make a sandwich. Everything I eat has to be pre-made or I have to cook it up. When we are out of groceries, this causes a problem for me. So, this morning I realized I didn't have anything to eat. I just made myself a protein drink and called it breakfast.

The reason I am telling you this is because as Evie and I were walking out of the grocery store with a cart full of food I started feeling a bit feeble. It was 2:45 and I realized I had yet to eat today. I knew I'd still have to prepare something for myself before I would be able to eat, and as I was tired and Evie was in dire need of a nap, I acquiesced and went to a drive thru to order myself a plain burger (I'd take off the bun at home.)

While sitting there behind a row of cars (apparently 3:00 is the time to hit the Dairy Queen) I noticed hanging below the eve, attached to a shrub, a very large spider. He was in the process of spinning his web, but was beginning. Have you ever watched a spider spin a web? It is really quite amazing. He had the "foundation" spun, (which looked like the metal parts of a dart board) and was beginning to spin the interior web. The web itself was about the size of a basketball and even though the wind was blowing quite hard, that spider just went 'round and 'round, making a perfect, symmetrical circle. He maintained the exact same distance every time he made a pass around the web and seemed unfazed by the fact that the wind was blowing the whole web like a swing.

As I sat there, waiting for the cars in front of me to move, I stared at this spider with wonderment. How did the spider know to spin the web, and how did he manage to make it so perfect, every single time? Are there "master web makers" and some spiders who make crappy webs, or do all spiders everywhere make perfectly symmetrical webs? Do they have to practice or do they know how to do it perfectly the very first time?

I then wondered how anyone could live in this world and look at something as simple and yet miraculous as a spider spinning a web and not believe in a creator? I can understand how people could be frustrated with God, or even mad at God when disaster strikes, but I cannot understand how a person could live in this world and see animals and trees and know how everything is interconnected so miraculously and still believe that this happened out of mere coincidence.

I don't really know why I'm sharing this. I guess that seeing that spider going about his business reminded me how small we all are, and yet how miraculous it is that we are here, living in this time and in this place.

Into the darkness

I'm now on a new medication and I'm not sure that it is going very well. I've been officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder instead of post-partum depression. I'm on anti-anxiety medication and am seeing somebody to try to gain some insight as to why I am being afflicted with anxiety now, but never before (that I know of.) I am also trying to develop some tools to help manage the anxiety, this way I won't have to be on the meds. permanently.
The trouble of course is finding the correct medication and the correct dose. This is not an exact science, and there is no way to get a serotonin level, short of dipping into my brain (no gracias) so we have to just play around until we get the correct mix. In the meantime, I contend with the effects, and of course these aren't minor effects.
The first medication I was on sent me into a black abyss of exhaustion and sleepiness. I felt like every ounce of energy had been leeched from within and I had to quite literally drag myself down the stairs and force myself to function. The minor task of walking across the room, making a bottle etc. felt like a 5-mile run. All I wanted to do was sleep and I had the added bonus of feeling nauseous at all times.
I'm now on a different medication and have quite the opposite effect. Now I feel like I can't turn my brain off at all. I lie in bed flopping and flopping, unable to stop the obsessive thinking. The bad thoughts pervade and it's like a running transcript day and night, night and day.
While I am not physically tired, I am starting to feel an emotional drain. Everything is analyzed and over-analyzed to the 10th degree. I can't turn off the tapes, and the more I try to suppress the thoughts or feelings, the more they bubble up.
And so now I feel a grey cloud starting to descend over me and I find myself sitting and staring, lost in my thoughts.
Even Bryan has noticed, often asking "Are you okay? you were just spaced out there for a little while..."
So I don't think this is the correct medication either.
I have an appointment this afternoon with my doctor and we will be having a long conversation, because this is no good, and frankly, I don't have time for these shenanigans.

Hair that defies explanation...

...and gravity...and water and baby oil and lotion...

Another admission

Okay, I admit it, I am now a fan of "Dancing with the Stars." I've been fervently against it in years past, calling it stupid and total frivolity, but this year, I am totally sucked in.

It all started out innocently enough, you see, I'm a big fan of Marlee Matlin. She has an Oscar after all, she played "Joey Lucas" on the West Wing (my very favorite show) and of course I see her every week on Evie's sign language videos. So I feel like I know her. And then of course there's the biggest reason I'm a fan of her being on this dancing show, she can't hear the music. That's right sport's fans, the woman is Ballroom Dancing, and SHE CAN'T HEAR THE MUSIC. This to me is absolutely amazing.
So I am now watching the show, and when Marlee comes on, I smile and I cheer and my jaw in on the floor, and I say to Bryan, "how is she doing this? She's soo pretty! And oooh, I do like that pretty blue dress!" (Yes, although you don't believe it, I too can be girly.)

So I cheered for pretty, amazing Marlee, and I agreed with the judges scores, and I liked the other dancers, (but none as much as Marlee, because didn't you know, she's my new BFF.)

And then Kristi Yamaguchi came on. Okay, I do like her too, she does have a gold medal and she is America's Sweethart. What you may not know about me is that I LOOOOVE figure skating. When I was 14, I wrote a letter to Nancy Kerrigan, and you know what? She wrote me back, and sent me a signed picture which hung on my bedroom wall for years. I still have it in a box of all my childhood treasures, just so you know. But I digress.

So Kristi came on and of course she danced flawlessly, and everyone was in awe, but I was not. Because here's my argument, SHE'S A FIGURE SKATER! IT'S THE SAME THING!
Okay, I'm better now. But seriously. I don't think that figure skaters should be allowed to compete and if they do insist on allowing, (let's call a spade a spade) a "ringer" to play, they should be given an automatic handicap like in golf. Or maybe she should have to dance with one arm tied behind her back, or perhaps one leg should be in a brace? Maybe she should have to dance in big clown shoes?
I mean honestly, this show is supposed to be about people who have never danced before in their lives and come on, figure skating is dancing, only on ice.

And now that I have written this, I see that I'm completely ridiculous for even caring, and embarrassed that this is what my life has been diminished to; being incensed about dancing with the stars. This is just plain pathetic.

Please do not judge me for what I just wrote. I do have a functioning brain, if only I could use it for good and not evil.

All I need is my glowing Elf sword

Angela of "Fluid Pudding," wrote today about the nightly mini freak outs she has when getting in to bed. Apparently, she has to fling her legs on to the mattress rather rapidly for fear that Hazel the previous (but now very dead) owner may have taken up residence under the bed and might grab her by the ankles and pull her under.

Now you all might be laughing, and thinking to yourselves, "what a crazy cook!"
But I didn't. Instead I thought, "hm. I do that too. Only, I don't have to jump in the bed quickly, I get in regular like, but once I'm in, no leg or arm can dangle off the mattress, EVER. Because you never know what kind of creature of the night might be living under the mattress that would jump out and grab you.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am an eight year old girl.

Also, while I'm here telling it like it is, truth be told, I'm afraid of the dark; completely. Those of you who know me well, know this to be true. Those of you who just know me casually, well there it is. Stephanie is terrified of the dark. Like a little girl.

I have to have a night light, or light from the hall or the bathroom. I have to be able to see at all times. When camping, I have a mini mag light, a head lamp and a little key chain squeezie light, and still, I never venture out alone. You never know what is out there. It could be bears, it could be lions. OR, it could be Gollum from Lord of the Rings. That's right people, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, all those "fun" family fantasy films? Those aren't fun for me, no, those are public service announcements.

And there you have that.

My name is Stephanie, I'm afraid of the monsters under my bed, and the shadows in the forest.

Bryan stole my camera...

I thought he was just taking pictures of sleeping Evie, so I got the camera set up for him and then continued checking email and going about my business. I would never authorize myself being on camera, but I'm glad he took the liberty.

Evie and the worm

So glad my camera is always at the ready...

The girls were just standing there against the wall, and I quickly started snapping away. So precious.

How to execute a successful lunchtime playdate

Take a moment to collect yourself, look to mommies for direction


Fight over a toy phone, challenge mommies to intervene


Take more toys from each other


Smile at the camera with your very cheesiest smile (or look away indifferently)


Have a little lunch (or look at finger foods with horror, depending on which baby you are)


Call it a successful day by getting a fresh diaper and a nap

A Little Dinner Music

I taught Kyla a little song on the piano this afternoon (notice the curled fingers.) While I was getting ready to make dinner, Kyla was practicing her song, (over and over and over.) After about 30 minutes of the song, I let Evie near the piano, she immediately began reaching up and clinking a few keys herself. I was worried she was going to fall down, so I just brought over her high chair and let her at it. This was the best idea I've ever had, she was thrilled and she and Kyla have been having a blast all evening, creating their own little off-key duets.




Long after Kyla was sick of the piano, Evie was still happy to bang away...this brought a smile to my heart.