Tomorrow is my Mother's birthday...

Tomorrow is my Mother’s birthday; she would be 50. I am not really sure how to feel. Perhaps more accurately, I am overcome with a flood of conflicting emotions. There is the obvious feeling of emptiness and grief that continues to sit just beneath the surface; that which I try not to think about too much, but will every once in a while get the better of me. The feeling only those who have lost someone so very close, so very connected to them can understand. It is a feeling that a part of you has also died and will always remain empty in their absence.

But I also feel, in some strange way, that maybe she has finally been released from a lifetime of suffering and anguish. Hers was not a charmed or enjoyable life, plagued with loss, disappointment and illness, she endured much for a woman of so few years. It seemed such a great tragedy that, when she finally seemed to be rising above and breaking the chains of disappointment, she would fall ill and lose her life.

Perhaps however, it was grace after all. For she no longer has to suffer and endure the pains of a life in a broken world.

So while tomorrow will be difficult as her absence is made all the more conspicuous on her birthday, I can still feel some peace in the hope that she is now in a better place; finally relieved of the pain of her troubled life.

What’s more, I have the joy of knowing I have the wonderful gift of my daughter; another chance for our family to try to raise a little girl into a strong and beautiful woman. I have every confidence my Mother is watching and guiding me as I go, if now only in my own heart.